When I was small, and Christmas trees were tall,
we used to love while others used to play.
Don't ask me why, but time has passed us by,
someone else moved in from far away.
Now we are tall, and Christmas trees are small,
and you don't ask the time of day.
But you and I, our love will never die,
but guess who'll cry come first of May.
The apple tree that grew for you and me,
I watched the apples falling one by one.
And as I recall the moment of them all,
the day I kissed your cheek and you were gone.
belum lama ini kutemukan artikel yang membuatku terperangah. isinya tentang penemuan2 baru yang menghubungkan perfeksionisme dengan depresi, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), dan ketergantungan. masalah mental yang berkaitan dengan perfeksionisme ini justru ditumbuhkan oleh budaya kita yang mengagungkan prestasi. orang tua juga berperan besar dengan selalu mendorong, bahkan menuntut, agar anaknya menjadi "the best."
membaca artikel ini bagiku bagai bercermin secara mental -- aku jadi lebih memahami diri sendiri. saking kagetnya dengan kebenaran2 dalam tulisan ini, aku membacakannya keras2 untuk nobuto dan dia berulang kali berseru, "that's so true! it's so you!!" mungkin ada baiknya kalau kumuat bagian2 penting artikel tersebut di sini, karena aku yakin tidak sedikit orang mengalami masalah yang sama.
Unhappy? Self-critical? Maybe you're just a perfectionist
By Benedict Carey
Just about any sports movie, airport paperback or motivational tape delivers a few boilerplate rules for success. Believe in yourself. Don't take no for an answer. Never quit. Don't accept second best. Above all, be true to yourself.
Yet several recent studies stand as a warning against taking the platitudes of achievement too seriously. The new research focuses on a familiar type, perfectionists, who panic or blow a fuse when things don't turn out just so. The findings not only confirm that such purists are often at risk for mental distress — as Freud, Alfred Adler and countless exasperated parents have long predicted — but also suggest that perfectionism is a valuable lens through which to understand a variety of seemingly unrelated mental difficulties, from depression to compulsive behavior to addiction.
Some researchers divide perfectionists into three types, based on answers to standardized questionnaires: Self-oriented strivers who struggle to live up to their high standards and appear to be at risk of self-critical depression; outwardly focused zealots who expect perfection from others, often ruining relationships; and those desperate to live up to an ideal they're convinced others expect of them, a risk factor for suicidal thinking and eating disorders. (menurut nobuto, aku jenis yang ke-2. aku bilang, syukurlah bukan yang ke-3. hehehe..)
Unlike people given psychiatric labels, however, perfectionists neither battle stigma nor consider themselves to be somehow dysfunctional. On the contrary, said Alice Provost, an employee assistance counselor at the University of California, Davis, who recently ran group therapy for staff members struggling with perfectionist impulses. "They're very proud of it," she said. "And the culture highly values and reinforces their attitudes."
Consider a recent study by psychologists at Curtin University of Technology in Australia, who found that the level of "all or nothing" thinking predicted how well perfectionists navigated their lives. The researchers had 252 participants fill out questionnaires rating their level of agreement with 16 statements like "I think of myself as either in control or out of control" and "I either get on very well with people or not at all." (this is so very true -- karena itu jumlah orang yang kusebut teman hanya segelintir, dan yang sudah kuanggap teman baik biasanya kusayang dan kubela dengan jiwa raga. ok, i'm being hyperbolic, but you get the idea.)
In short, these are people who not only swallow many of the maxims for success but take them as absolutes. At some level they know that it's possible to succeed after falling short. The trouble is that falling short still reeks of mediocrity; for them, to say otherwise is to spin the result. Never accept second best. Always be true to yourself. (kalau ini jelas hasil pendidikan orang tua! my father would never accept second-best. so it's not entirely my fault
)
Provost said those in her program at UC Davis often displayed symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder — another risk for perfectionists. They couldn't bear a messy desk. They found it nearly impossible to leave a job half-done, to do the next day. Some put in ludicrously long hours redoing tasks, chasing an ideal only they could see. (yang ini 100% benar. karena itu walaupun senang design blog skins, aku tidak mau download photoshop di komputerku. gak kebayang berapa banyak waktu yang akan kuhabiskan dengan mengutak-atik html dan photo brushing.)
As an experiment, Provost had members of the group slack off on purpose, against their every instinct. Leave work on time. Don't arrive early. Take all the breaks allowed. Leave the desk a mess. Allow yourself a set number of tries to finish a job; then turn in what you have. (this is easier said than done. leaving work half done usually drives me crazy!)
"And then ask: Did you get punished? Did the university continue to function? Are you happier?" Provost said. "They were surprised that yes, everything continued to function, and the things they were so worried about weren't that crucial." (i guess it's worth trying.)
The British have a saying that encourages people to show their skills while mocking the universal fear of failure: Do your worst. If you can't tolerate your worst, at least once in a while, how true to yourself can you be? (do your worst -- i LOVE this idea!! why didn't i ever think of it before??)
(satu lagi cara "mengobati" perfeksionisme, yang ini sudah kubuktikan sendiri, yaitu dengan bantuan orang dekat. selama kuliah di amerika aku hampir selalu menyewa apartemen sendiri karena ngeri dapat roommate yang messy. tapi di tahun terakhirku di berkeley, karena kepepet waktu dan capek cari apt yang cocok, kuputuskan untuk tinggal di campus housing dengan 3 roommates -- aptnya 4 kamar dengan 2 kamar mandi. di awal tinggal, aku sempat panik karena kurasa roommate yang share bathroom denganku orangnya messy. tapi karena tidak ingin ribut, aku jadi stress sendiri dan berpikir untuk pindah. untunglah, lambat laun kami serumah menjadi akrab, dan naomi yang share bathroom denganku ternyata orangnya dewasa, santun, dan baik hati. dalam banyak hal kami berdua sehati dan sepikiran. kami jadi sering ke gym bareng, keluar makan bareng, belanja grocery bareng, dll. karena aku sudah menganggap dia teman baik, bahkan seperti adik sendiri, aku jadi bisa mentolerir keadaan bathroom kami yang less than spotless. aku bahkan jadi merasa bahwa dia orangnya rapi -- banyak teman cewek di i-house yang kamarnya minta ampun berantakan. kesimpulanku, kedekatan dengan seorang teman bisa membantu mengatasi perfectionist impulses yang menuntut agar semuanya terjadi sesuai kehendakku. mungkin bisa jadi tips untuk mereka yang punya masalah mental yang sama.)
membaca artikel ini bagiku bagai bercermin secara mental -- aku jadi lebih memahami diri sendiri. saking kagetnya dengan kebenaran2 dalam tulisan ini, aku membacakannya keras2 untuk nobuto dan dia berulang kali berseru, "that's so true! it's so you!!" mungkin ada baiknya kalau kumuat bagian2 penting artikel tersebut di sini, karena aku yakin tidak sedikit orang mengalami masalah yang sama.
Unhappy? Self-critical? Maybe you're just a perfectionist
By Benedict Carey
Just about any sports movie, airport paperback or motivational tape delivers a few boilerplate rules for success. Believe in yourself. Don't take no for an answer. Never quit. Don't accept second best. Above all, be true to yourself.
Yet several recent studies stand as a warning against taking the platitudes of achievement too seriously. The new research focuses on a familiar type, perfectionists, who panic or blow a fuse when things don't turn out just so. The findings not only confirm that such purists are often at risk for mental distress — as Freud, Alfred Adler and countless exasperated parents have long predicted — but also suggest that perfectionism is a valuable lens through which to understand a variety of seemingly unrelated mental difficulties, from depression to compulsive behavior to addiction.
Some researchers divide perfectionists into three types, based on answers to standardized questionnaires: Self-oriented strivers who struggle to live up to their high standards and appear to be at risk of self-critical depression; outwardly focused zealots who expect perfection from others, often ruining relationships; and those desperate to live up to an ideal they're convinced others expect of them, a risk factor for suicidal thinking and eating disorders. (menurut nobuto, aku jenis yang ke-2. aku bilang, syukurlah bukan yang ke-3. hehehe..)
Unlike people given psychiatric labels, however, perfectionists neither battle stigma nor consider themselves to be somehow dysfunctional. On the contrary, said Alice Provost, an employee assistance counselor at the University of California, Davis, who recently ran group therapy for staff members struggling with perfectionist impulses. "They're very proud of it," she said. "And the culture highly values and reinforces their attitudes."
Consider a recent study by psychologists at Curtin University of Technology in Australia, who found that the level of "all or nothing" thinking predicted how well perfectionists navigated their lives. The researchers had 252 participants fill out questionnaires rating their level of agreement with 16 statements like "I think of myself as either in control or out of control" and "I either get on very well with people or not at all." (this is so very true -- karena itu jumlah orang yang kusebut teman hanya segelintir, dan yang sudah kuanggap teman baik biasanya kusayang dan kubela dengan jiwa raga. ok, i'm being hyperbolic, but you get the idea.)
In short, these are people who not only swallow many of the maxims for success but take them as absolutes. At some level they know that it's possible to succeed after falling short. The trouble is that falling short still reeks of mediocrity; for them, to say otherwise is to spin the result. Never accept second best. Always be true to yourself. (kalau ini jelas hasil pendidikan orang tua! my father would never accept second-best. so it's not entirely my fault
)Provost said those in her program at UC Davis often displayed symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder — another risk for perfectionists. They couldn't bear a messy desk. They found it nearly impossible to leave a job half-done, to do the next day. Some put in ludicrously long hours redoing tasks, chasing an ideal only they could see. (yang ini 100% benar. karena itu walaupun senang design blog skins, aku tidak mau download photoshop di komputerku. gak kebayang berapa banyak waktu yang akan kuhabiskan dengan mengutak-atik html dan photo brushing.)
As an experiment, Provost had members of the group slack off on purpose, against their every instinct. Leave work on time. Don't arrive early. Take all the breaks allowed. Leave the desk a mess. Allow yourself a set number of tries to finish a job; then turn in what you have. (this is easier said than done. leaving work half done usually drives me crazy!)
"And then ask: Did you get punished? Did the university continue to function? Are you happier?" Provost said. "They were surprised that yes, everything continued to function, and the things they were so worried about weren't that crucial." (i guess it's worth trying.)
The British have a saying that encourages people to show their skills while mocking the universal fear of failure: Do your worst. If you can't tolerate your worst, at least once in a while, how true to yourself can you be? (do your worst -- i LOVE this idea!! why didn't i ever think of it before??)
(satu lagi cara "mengobati" perfeksionisme, yang ini sudah kubuktikan sendiri, yaitu dengan bantuan orang dekat. selama kuliah di amerika aku hampir selalu menyewa apartemen sendiri karena ngeri dapat roommate yang messy. tapi di tahun terakhirku di berkeley, karena kepepet waktu dan capek cari apt yang cocok, kuputuskan untuk tinggal di campus housing dengan 3 roommates -- aptnya 4 kamar dengan 2 kamar mandi. di awal tinggal, aku sempat panik karena kurasa roommate yang share bathroom denganku orangnya messy. tapi karena tidak ingin ribut, aku jadi stress sendiri dan berpikir untuk pindah. untunglah, lambat laun kami serumah menjadi akrab, dan naomi yang share bathroom denganku ternyata orangnya dewasa, santun, dan baik hati. dalam banyak hal kami berdua sehati dan sepikiran. kami jadi sering ke gym bareng, keluar makan bareng, belanja grocery bareng, dll. karena aku sudah menganggap dia teman baik, bahkan seperti adik sendiri, aku jadi bisa mentolerir keadaan bathroom kami yang less than spotless. aku bahkan jadi merasa bahwa dia orangnya rapi -- banyak teman cewek di i-house yang kamarnya minta ampun berantakan. kesimpulanku, kedekatan dengan seorang teman bisa membantu mengatasi perfectionist impulses yang menuntut agar semuanya terjadi sesuai kehendakku. mungkin bisa jadi tips untuk mereka yang punya masalah mental yang sama.)
